Well, If It's In The Torah...

I think one of the reasons I always hated Rosh Hashanah is because for years I thought the rabbi was telling me I had to blow the chauffeur. No wonder so many people wanted to drive me to temple.

That's Not My Card...

Because of the influence Cribs has had on me, when I show a girl around my apartment and get to my bedroom I've started to say, 'This is where the magic happens.' Which I think is appropriate, since I'm bad at magic too.

That's Not Gravy...

This morning I ate Jimmy Dean's sausage. It was good, but I think I would've liked it better if it didn't cum all over me.

Every One Of Them...

Every Queensryche fan is a child molester.

So, I Was Bored...

Today, I drank a glass of water while I was peeing and pretended to be a fountain. It really wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped it'd be. Tomorrow, I'll poop while eating a NutRageous and see if I like that any better.
Update: Only a little.

I'm Seriously Considering...

I don't wanna make any hasty decisions, but I'm seriously considering closing my Friendster account.

I Can't Eat These...

Alright, who farted on my crab cakes?

You Know You're A Loser...

You know you're a loser when WPIX deletes you from their Facebook friends.

The Real Tragedy...

I realize that losing Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays all within days of each other is tragic. But the real tragedy is that none of these people ever once got to go to the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.

Carl Kassell's Voice...

You know, I've called a lot of people and heard a lot of home answering machines, and so far I haven't heard Carl Kasell's voice come out of a single one of them. I'm thinking about just giving up and calling Carl Kasell.

Of course, I'll have to wait til I know he's out.

A Lot Of People Think...

A lot of people think that molesting people with Down's syndrome is wrong. I think it's fucking retarded.

Unthinkable...

I don’t like it when they use the word ‘unthinkable’ on those reality cop shows. Like when cops pull over a guy and the voice over is, “and then the guy did the unthinkable” and the guy shoots the cop. That’s totally thinkable. I think they should save ‘unthinkable’ for things that truly are. Like, if a cop pulls over a guy and the guy vomits up a Right Said Fred boxed set. That would be unthinkable.

I Really Don't See...

I really don't see all that many elderly midgets. I think the phrase oughta be, 'only the good and midgets die young'.

I Can't Believe...

I can't believe I can't find one person who wants to go to the Snow/Ini Kamoze concert with me.

Terry Fox...

Terry Fox was a douchebag and I'm glad he's dead.

This Landlord...

This landlord's prices are insaaaane.
Or...
When I called to ask about the square footage, he began singing what he referred to as 'the testicle song'.

I Realized...

I realized just how complicated I am when I found myself downloading both porn and Coraline at the same time.

Just Tired...

I wouldn't say my bowels were irritable... maybe just moody.
I think once they have a nap, they'll be fine.

Is It Wrong...

Is it wrong to masturbate to episodes of Reba? I'm gonna think about giving that up.

It's Very Difficult...

It's very difficult to put together an AVN Awards office pool. It takes real finesse to ask the HR lady who she thinks is gonna win best cumshot.

The Next Person...

The next person who uses the phrase "I love me some..." is getting kicked in the nuts.

A Haiku I Stole...

To express oneself
In seventeen syllables
Is very diffic

Wordplay...

This is the greatest example of wordplay in the history of the English language.