Well, If It's In The Torah...

I think one of the reasons I always hated Rosh Hashanah is because for years I thought the rabbi was telling me I had to blow the chauffeur. No wonder so many people wanted to drive me to temple.

That's Not My Card...

Because of the influence Cribs has had on me, when I show a girl around my apartment and get to my bedroom I've started to say, 'This is where the magic happens.' Which I think is appropriate, since I'm bad at magic too.

That's Not Gravy...

This morning I ate Jimmy Dean's sausage. It was good, but I think I would've liked it better if it didn't cum all over me.

Every One Of Them...

Every Queensryche fan is a child molester.

So, I Was Bored...

Today, I drank a glass of water while I was peeing and pretended to be a fountain. It really wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped it'd be. Tomorrow, I'll poop while eating a NutRageous and see if I like that any better.
Update: Only a little.

I'm Seriously Considering...

I don't wanna make any hasty decisions, but I'm seriously considering closing my Friendster account.

I Can't Eat These...

Alright, who farted on my crab cakes?

You Know You're A Loser...

You know you're a loser when WPIX deletes you from their Facebook friends.

The Real Tragedy...

I realize that losing Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays all within days of each other is tragic. But the real tragedy is that none of these people ever once got to go to the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.